may we love with our center aligned

i come out as a nonbinary person who wants a lesbian lifestyle with faggot desire. idk why lately ive been thinking so much about this. maybe because ive been with family.

i love them but i also can't stand them sometimes. it feels so cruel to say. i know maybe this is my time to build my boundaries.

why is it people say such horrible things to each other but still decide to stay with each other? i don't want to a stable relationship without stable happiness.

who am i to judge though?

we always replicate ancestral patterns. it's in our dna.

but what we can do is to realize it and consciously change it.

if i have a family, i want it to be loving energy flowing every day. i want it to feel real.

i want us being together affirm the possibilities of being free and brave.

i want us to encourage each other to try whatever they want to try.

i want us to support each other's true desires.

i want us to learn how to say i love you.

why is 我愛你 feels so full of shame?

in my upbringing, there's no school that really taught us how to love, the basic element that made us alive. i don't get it.

i remember writing a letter to my parents when i was young when they were fighting a lot that it's ok for them to get a divorce. they don't need to stay together because of me.

i still hear my mom calling my dad too stupid and my dad calling my mom too thick. but they can't leave each other. for their generation, it seemed that it's easier to stay in an unhealthy dynamic than breaking up and start again.

my mom said "it's not about what she likes."

my body feels sore and heavy. tomorrow i need a massage.

i need to learn how to distinguish what's mine and what's theirs.

i see this as a way to practice my rituals again. i need to strengthen my personal space so i can love them better.

i want privacy, uninterrupted work time and full presence when we are together.

i want MML to safely launch and reach as many people in need as possible.

i want people to experience this process themselves.

may we all love with our center aligned.