to be myself for a living + ramblings re: hiding

Daily writing prompt

What is your career plan?

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Sometimes I wish that I hadn’t read anything by Sarno. My career plan these days is to be myself for a living, to be in the unknown and throw caution to the wind. Unfortunately, having existed as the exact opposite of the person I am now for most of my life, old habits die hard.

Pre-sarno, I used to plan everything out. As much as second brains can upgrade your life (i.e., DO IT, IT CHANGED MY LIFE), old me used to document every single thing I encountered in the world–I have old docs in Anytype re: movies/books/quotes (i.e., things easily found on the Internet)…I wanted to create the perfect database/internet in my second brain. This thread of thinking flooded every single aspect of my life–I had a doc for where I wanted to be in 5 years, with each year documented in painstaking (and unnecessary detail), when I would get married, when I would have kids, the exact date I would replace the setting spray sitting on my vanity that is going to expire next month…

…since having read Sarno, I’ve stopped all of that. Every now and then docs created by iterations of me long gone still find some use in my everyday life–but I don’t document everything anymore.

Last week, I realized I documented everything and did everything and made everything as perfect as can because I didn’t actually want to be myself. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to hide my true self. And as much as I’ve finally (!!!!) identified versions of this tendency in various aspects of my life (i.e., I need to be perfect when I date, I need to do this and make money by this exact month), today I realized that I still think this way. In some regard. Probably to a lesser degree. But this thread of thinking creeped up and before I knew it, the essence of Ru-Pings past began to shine through yet again.

Anyway. Here’s to losing the battle and winning the war. :D.