詩一首自注 Commentary on‘Untitled’
I write essays often, papers sometimes, poetry almost never. Still, I enjoy my only piece and choose it as my very first attempt in translation. I put most of my effort in keeping the balance of antiquity and modernity when I wrote it. The poem is naturally divided into two columns according to the passage of time and the change of mood. To keep the poem in rhyme in English, I divided it into four columns instead of two, which turned out to be in the form of a sonnet, though an awkward one indeed.
The poem is dedicated to the long-distance friendship. Although it is sprinkled with classical Chinese poetry, (for example, the first line is borrowed from a sorrowful lyrical poem written by the talented female poet Li Qingzhao); nevertheless, it expresses the very opposite feelings towards the parting and solitude.
The poem started in a conversational style:
In a season barely warm but still cold 乍暖還寒時候
You sent me cherry blossoms from the distant 你寄來遠山的桜花
All of a sudden I felt it yet not bad
When old acquaintances are parted 忽覺得友人散落也不錯
In traditional Chinese poetry, if you send flowers to a friend in spring, you send him a letter of greetings. Both the beginning part and the whole poem is a reply to the friend. The word 'parted' is literally 'scattered' 散落 in Chinese, which describes the falling blossoms, the parted friends and the scattered stars in the next column.
The wind was up風起了
The lamp blown out and the whistle sounded吹燈，鳴笛
The night vessel marked夜航船記認著
The stars all around四圍的星座
'The wind is up' is a key line; it is full of life and the following lines suddenly speed up. The wind is for the blossoms, the lamp, the whistle and the ship. To keep the rhyme and the rhythm, the active voice (the wind was up, blew out the lamp and sounded the whistle) is converted into passive voice (the lamp blown out and the whistle sounded). The last two sentences are as light and quick, while it's turning dark and deep, only the sparkling stars above remind the night vessel ('me') of the friends all around even now it's alone in the long journey.
The meridian and parallel lines but for us delimited 經緯不過為我們划開
The sapphire sun's shipping route 碧藍的日頭的航線
It's time to wake up
And the sail should be set（該起了）
'The meridian and parallel lines' shows how far the vessel has gone during the night, implying how much the friends have individually achieved when they are parted. The 'sapphire sun's shipping route' depicts a vessel cleaving the dark blue waves and the dazzling sunlight reflected in the early morning. The last two sentences are originally written in one line, 'its time to be up', which echoes 'the wind is up' in the first column.
The light of the ocean is just enough to fill a bowl 海上的光也正好盛一碗
Under the chopstick rest is still last year's flowery scroll 箸置下還是舊年花箋
The closure is a return to the topic. As fish might serve as breakfast, 'the light of the ocean' may serve as soup. From the vast 'ocean' to the 'bowl' in hand, from the deck to the cabin, the outside scenery turns into inside fulfillment.
Chopstick rest is an item used in daily life, yet seldom written in the poetry. I choose the Japanese word 'hashioki' 箸置き to create a sense of 'defamiliarization' and to echo the 'cherry blossoms' in Japanese kanji 桜. The flowery scroll is a traditional image frequently used in classical poetry, also a counterpart of cherry blossom in the beginning. The time in the poem is just one day long, while 'last year' lengthens the time as 'the meridian and parallel lines' expands the space. The vessel is sailing again, and the last year's flowery scroll may fade. Yet it is still right there, along with this year's blossoms.
12th March 2020
偶有興會，往往隨筆成文，詩非我所長。然仍是愛著這片小詩，且落手落腳去譯它。寫詩想著平衡古風與現代，心情隨時間流轉，自然分為兩節。譯詩則顧著音律，截二為四，恰巧是十四行。拙劣不堪便是了。
這首小詩寫給異地的朋友。雖說借用古典詩詞（如開頭用李清照〈聲聲慢〉「乍暖還寒時候」），願「反其意而用之」，翻新「別」與「孤」。
「江南無所有，聊贈一枝春」，花是音信。小詩以對話始，也是予「你」的回信。英譯「分離」實是「散落」，形容花、人、星皆可。
「風起了」一句是詩眼，帶活上下文，「吹燈，鳴笛」二句驟然加速。譯成被動句，以保留稍許節奏音律。後兩句仍然輕快，但夜色轉深，航船獨行，唯友人閃爍如星。
「經緯」直說航船所至已遠，亦指友人各自摸索，所探亦已深。「碧藍的日頭的航線」刻寫日照碧海而船破之。口語「該起了」與「風起了」呼應，「起錨」亦是「起身」，英譯改作兩句。
結尾兜回，船夫以魚為食，海光為飲。乘「海」於「碗」，從甲板到艙內，外在風景也轉為內心世界。
筷架是日常所用，但詩中又少見，因而用日文詞「箸置」以熟詞生用，且與日文漢字「桜」呼應。「花箋」亦與「桜花」遙相應和，一頭一尾，兩種音信。小詩只寫得一日，「舊年」與「經緯」卻將時空拉闊推遠。航船既始，花箋仍在，且與今同。
2020.3.12